I have spent most of my life being pattern phobic. My home is neutral. All my furniture is different shades of antique white, most of which I painted myself. I call it my vintage look. I like it. Somehow, I acquired a purple sofa. It’s a very pleasing shade of dark purple so it is allowed. It is plain. So are the cushions. So are the off-white rugs. Now, don’t get me wrong. I do love a good Persian rug. I love visiting exotic places. I love being in and amongst colour and sound and smells and chaos. For a short while. And then I need to go home to my peaceful, neutral, pattern free home… and clothes.
I put it down to the fact that my head is busier than spaghetti junction in peak rush hour. There is so much going on that I need my environment to be as calming as possible. Even clutter bothers me. I cannot bear too many things on display. And I cannot work until everything is tidy.  But the Universe works in mysterious ways, as we know.

 So, I am, and always have been, very committed to the explorations of the unconscious and had always wanted to go to Peru to do plant medicine with shamans. I was adamant that I would only do it in the jungle, having harvested the vine myself and fully embracing it as a sacred ceremony. I was waited for the right time and the right people to appear for years. Then one day, a few years ago, a good friend of mine sent me an email. It was an advert for a weekend experience with some Brazilian shamans who were coming to the UK. They were going to be doing sacred ceremonies in a spot outside London. I am rarely immediately decisive, I often have to ponder on things and take my time to make a decision, but this time – which really surprised me – my entire body and mind was screaming ‘Yes’. I didn’t even read the blurb.

It turned out to be a very good decision. It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. The scariest and the most blissful – all at the same time. In one of the sessions my consciousness was blown completely open and I got to see the fabric of the universe and what everything was made up of. Millions and millions of small, brilliantly coloured, patterned balls of energy. Like mini atoms. All vibrating at different rates. The denser the item the slower and bigger the atom. Human atoms were very fast and very bright. It was too intense at one point. And I tried to open my eyes to have a reprieve and then realised that what I was seeing wasn’t just in my mind. It was the same with my eyes open as when they were shut. It was way too much for my senses. I was also now aware that nothing was solid, including me. I tried to look at my hands but all I could make out were these molecules of energy spinning. There was nothing solid, nothing I could hold on to. I felt like I had lost the plot. I have honestly never been more scared in my entire life.

Now, if I am really honest, I had taken two extra cups of the medicine to make sure that I really did it properly, so it didn’t really come as that much of a surprise when I heard the voice of Mother Aya – the spirit of the Vine – saying ‘You wanted it, you went for it… and now you’re gonna get it!’. ‘Shit’ I thought ‘I’m in big trouble now’.  She spoke again. Not quite as harshly this time. ‘What have you been doing for the last few years?’ I had been doing a whole load of stuff. How could I narrow it down?  ‘Seriously,’ she said ‘what have you been working on?’

 The penny dropped. I was suddenly aware of all the inner work I had been doing. All the sessions, past life and current life, I had been through. There had been a strong theme. In all of those lives and experiences, I had been tested. A lot of them had involved sacrifice of some sort. And in all of them, instead of going into a place of fear, I had found a way to focus on love instead. As a result, I was able to tune in to the energy of love in my heart centre. I had used this focus on love to help me move through even the most difficult of times. I might not be able to see my hands but I knew where my heart centre was. I shifted my focus. I moved my awareness into my heart. And as soon as I did so the entire experience turned into the most beautiful, blissful kaleidoscope of light and colour. It was like being bathed in love. I sighed a deep sigh of relief. But I was instantly thrown back into the fear space. Where it was all too much. Then back to the bliss. Back to the love. Back to the fear. And I forcibly moved my awareness back to the love and held it with all my focus. Mother Aya laughed at me. 'Fear or love’ she said ‘You decide. What’ll it be? This won’t last forever; don’t you think it would be a good idea to make the most of it?' I could only agree. I was also acutely aware that she wasn’t just talk about the plant medicine experience, she was talking about life. I got the message.

Many other incredible things happened that weekend, but the most extraordinary thing was that a few weeks afterwards I suddenly felt myself compelled to paint. I had painted some angels a few years previously, so I had canvas and acrylics. This time I was up all night creating the most vibrant, vivid, patterned mandala. It happened every night for a week. It was like I was trying to recreate the spinning molecules of energy I had seen. They all had their own voice, their own message. I had no idea what was going to appear and the intensity and detail of them sort of hurt my head. But they were so beautiful in their own way that I fell in love with them regardless.

That was years ago and thus far, I have over eighty of them and they just keep coming. I did some research and found that the name Mandala means Circle in Sanskrit. I hadn’t known that. Mandalas have been in use since the 4th Century, with most Eastern traditions having a place for them. They are often made out of sand or coloured powder, which are destroyed after a time to represent the impermanence of the universe and the cycles and spirals of life. Jung believed that they represented the divinity within man and that people were drawn to create them when they had reached a certain level in their lives, where they had evolved to a level where they were able to access higher levels of consciousness. The mandalas being portals through which they could get there.

 My mandala creations had, for years, been something very private. Something I did at home alone. They were my means to focus, relax, unwind, de-stress. But as time went on and I saw the reactions that people had to them I realised that I couldn’t keep them to myself, or the benefits that came from creating them.  So, a new adventure has come to life. One that I hadn’t even thought of. I was invited to create a Mandala event for Inspiral in Cambridge. Krysia, my fabulous host, insisted people would come. I had no idea. No one was more surprised than me when thirty-three people showed up. It was amazing. I took everyone through a short meditation to guide them to a place where they could access one of their best memories, to a good feeling place. And once they had found the positive feeling to allow their higher mind to help them create and image… or choose the right colours to represent their feeling. When they opened their eyes, they got to create their own mandalas which could be used as tools to reconnect to those good feelings. I felt so emotional as I walked the room seeing the incredible mandalas that were created. It was such a joyful event. People had permission to allow their inner child free rein. It wasn’t about getting it right or being artistic, it was about creation, freedom, play, expression. They were all in their own ways masterpieces and I felt overjoyed that the gift could be shared, that the mandalas could now spread – bringing their magic to the world.

I am going to be creating many more events like this and look forward to all that beautiful cretions that will find their way into the world.

For more information about the Mandala Meditation Day on April 27th click here. 
https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/edit?eid=59858461269

​Further dates will be announced via my website.​

For the longest time, I have been having a bit of a challenge with something that some people might find a bit ridiculous – although it is surprising how many people agree with me when I mention this little peculiarity of mine. You see, I have a problem with tea cups or the receptacles that tea is served in.

​Being of Irish descent tea is not just something you drink but the answer to all problems. Whether you are tired, emotional, upset, happy, celebrating or just thirsty – tea is the go-to source of comfort and satisfaction.
In many countries, and traditions, the making and sharing of tea is hugely important. And along with the tea – the hot refreshing liquid – the means by which it is enjoyed is equally important. Tea ceremonies in the far east are seen as meditations in their own right – and albeit that I grew up in England - the ritual of tea as a welcome - or a marker of time or an event or whatever was going on -was not lost on me.

I still remember vividly the days visiting relatives in Ireland who – no matter how many houses you had been to - and no matter how many cups of tea or slices of cake you had consumed – insisted that you have just a little more. I soon learnt that it would be considered rude and ungracious to refuse. And so, a day with lots of people to see would often leave you bloated and bursting from all of that amber liquid.

When I was child I was rather partial to the odd spoon of sugar or three in my tea. Back then no one had any idea of the dangers of sugar or the effect it would have on your system. Add to that biscuits, or big slices of sugary cakes, or home-made soda breads covered in thick butter and rich sticky sugary jams and you had recipes for sugar overloads the like of which can only be shuddered at.

Like so many, I chuckle at the wonderful character of Mrs Doyle in Father Ted, but that imploring voice insisting that you ‘Have a cup of tea…ah you will, you will, you will. Ah, go on, go on, go on’ is all too familiar.
And the ritual was always the same. The host would ask if you wanted some tea and you would tell them ‘no’ that you didn’t want to put them to any bother. They would insist that it was no bother and to be polite you would still decline and say you were fine. At which point – very much like the kinds of haggling that has been happening in markets and bazaars the world over – the host would continue to insist until after a suitable time you would concede and say ‘ah, go on then just a little drop ‘or if you were being truly Irish you would call it a ‘little droppeen’.

I guess I thought that was always how it went. So, I remember getting the shock of my life when I went to a new friend from schools house for the first time. This was London and her family were English. Her mother asked me if I wanted a cup of tea and I said no waiting for the obligatory haggling. And it never came. She made tea for everyone else and I was left gagging, thirsty and totally confused as to what had just happened. I soon learnt that in other people’s houses I just needed to say yes right away.

My tea drinking habit – which is much healthier now – no milk and definitely no sugar - seemed fine for the longest time…and I have no idea quite when it happened…but I seem to have developed a slight phobia with regard to tea – well not tea itself but the cups in which it is served.

I have always been someone who believes that if you are going to do something you should do it properly. And tea is the same.
And for some reason – which is lost on me – the coffee shops of today have failed to acknowledge the very big difference between the consumption of coffee and tea. They are serving teas in the wrong cups and it makes it – in my world at least – totally undrinkable. Tea served in big or small coffee cups is just wrong. Especially the large thick cups that are almost more like goldfish bowls than anything else. The small ones just simply do not give you enough to drink. I leave feeling deprived and thirsty. Drinking out of the big ones creates a feeling of claustrophobia for me. Your entire face gets lost as the cup is raised to get the drink of choice from it and due to the huge circumference at the top of the cup the drink contained within it goes cold way too quickly. As far as I am concerned cold tea is just wrong and totally unacceptable.

And so, as a result of some very bad experiences with tea in the wrong cups it has now become an issue for me. I end up driving myself and my drinking companions crazy in the pursuit of just the right type – choosing glasses or take-away cups when there isn’t a mug or a suitably sized and shaped cup. Often generating raised eyebrows and the odd eye-roll from the purveyors of hot beverages or my friends who think I am making a fuss over nothing.

But I think I may just have had one of the quirkiest and strangely satisfying encounters with tea so far. I was sat in Heathrow Terminal 3. In the bar – which served food – and I ordered a fish pie and a cup of weak, black Earl Grey. My usual tea of choice. Completely forgetting about my ‘cup’ thing. And when the tea arrived it came in a big, thick, bowl shaped cup and I flinched. Apologising for being difficult I asked if they had any mugs – to which the answer was no. then I asked if they had take-away cups – again no. I then asked if they had any tall glasses – to which the answer was yes.

My waiter disappeared and came back a few minutes later with a big smile on his face and an even bigger pint glass full to the brim of boiling water. This wasn’t any ordinary pint mug glass though - it was a beer mug. With a tea bag on the side. It was so wrong and so right all at the same time. I giggled – added the tea bag – and no one was more delighted than I in that moment. But the surprise just got better as I discovered that beer mugs keep tea very, very hot for a very long time.

I am not sure if this is something that I will make into a regular habit when out in public but I am now seriously considering the purchase of a beer mug for my tea consumption at home. And I fully intend to do more research into the best cups to drink tea from.

​I look forward to sharing the results with you. Who knows what I will discover. I am not sure whether my ancestors will be happy with the outcomes or turning in their graves…but am pretty certain that – if there is a heaven – there must be tea and it will always be served in the most perfect of cups. 

                   I recently found myself inspired to watch the movie ‘Eat Pray Love’ again. Funny, because the first time I watched it I almost didn’t want to like it. I had read the book first and loved it and having Julia Roberts cast as the lead seemed all wrong. I didn’t want ‘Liz’, who I had first met when I read the book, to be some Hollywood star that I recognized. I wanted her to be a real woman with real fears and insecurities like the rest of us…and yet as I watched the film it all seemed so real and I could genuinely feel her pain. She became more 'Liz' than I had ever been able to imagine her.  
                  I knew then that she, Julia, had somehow stepped into the archetype of the wounded female. I saw that just because she was a star, and got to act her way through many different stories, playing different roles, that in each role the pain that she experienced was no different to any other woman that ever lived - her ability to feel the deep sense of terror at leaving or loving another person was so tangible because we have almost all felt it at some time in our lives; and if we haven't we know someone else who has. I knew, as I watched, that the tears she cried were drawn up from the well of her own pain, her own suffering, the wounding that had occurred within her own heart and on some deeper level she was drawing on the well of all women that have ever been hurt.  Because that is what actors do. Those who appear on stage or film or on television are 'acting' as representatives of the whole of humanity, they put themselves up there for all eyes to see, reflecting our joys and our passions, our wounds and our fears….playing out endless stories. Much in the same way we do when we move through our own lives; playing out the stories we chose before we got here and which we create for ourselves with every thought, every decision and every action that we take. Even though we may have no conscious awareness that we are doing it...or responsible for it all. 
                   It is an actor’s ability to get us to feel our emotions that makes their roles so important and is one of the reasons why they get paid so much; it is relative to the number of people whose lives they affect by what they do. Same goes for the sportspeople, the musicians, entertainers and people who reach large numbers of people with their work and stir up all kinds of emotions. The more people they reach the more value they provide. And how wonderful it is that in and amongst all the violence and destruction we see everyday in our world, whether fictional or in real life, there are still some news stories and TV shows and movies that give us messages based on hope and love. And not unrealistic, idyllic, unreachable kind of love but the kind of love that is messy and challenging and ultimately unconditional.
                   As I watched the film I was acutely aware of the message that ran through it; that so often we are judged by what we have achieved, whether we are single or have a partner or a spouse. By how much we are loved or seen as worthy of being loved …not by how much we love ourselves. And yet there is the irony because unless we love ourselves we can never be fully loved by another. It reminds me of the scene in the Wizard of Oz when the Wizard tells the Tin man that he is not judged by how much he can love but by how much he is loved by others…but to be loved by others he had to learn to love and value himself first. On his journey along the yellow brick road he did learn to value himself…he learnt that he was worth having around and he learnt that when you believe in yourself others do too.
                   The Tin man was presented with a ticking, red, heart shaped clock to remind him of his newly discovered capacity for feeling love and compassion - which had always been clear for those around him - just un-beknown to him. But how many of us, as we journey through life, are unaware of just how deeply and how completely we keep our hearts hidden, locked away, protected, away from the gaze of the world for fear that it might get trampled on or broken…how many are afraid to bring it out of the shadows and into the light….how many times have we turned away from another person - and that applies to people who are in relationships as much as to those that avoid them - just in case we are rejected, or in case we are not good enough or just unlovable? I will tell you. Too many times.

So, what can be done?
                  I have to say I feel very blessed that in my work I get to help people find the cause of their deep rooted fears and their inner wounds; the unfinished and unresolved issues that have been buried deeply away; memories of past and current life traumas and challenges which prevent them from being able to open their hearts fully. I am able to help them travel down their own yellow brick road to find the freedom to love again.To clear the blockages that have kept their hearts from feeling anything; good and bad. It is such a joy for me when I hear how things do shift for people once they do the inner work.                    One of my clients came to see me because he was afraid that he would never be able to get married. He had been experiencing severe panic attacks, usually brought on by the demands of his partners who wanted him to move their relationship to the next level. He did want to get married but the thought of making that commitment terrified him beyond belief and he had no idea why. He was two years into a relationship with a woman that he loved deeply and she was threatening to leave him if he didn’t take the next step. He wasn’t sure if he believed in the idea of ‘soulmates’ but thought that if they did exist - she was probably his. He did not want to lose her so he was ready to try anything.
                 We decided to explore the root cause of his fear and in the session he found himself in a past life; something he had not expected at all. He found himself in a cave wearing nothing but animal skins. His family and tribe were inside the cave but he was standing at the mouth of it with a spear anxiously guarding the entrance. Outside in the cold a bear and some wolves were hungrily waiting for an opportunity to attack. Eventually the bear did attack and he was pushed backwards into the fire. The wolves joined in and he was killed. His last thoughts were that he failed his family, that he was unworthy and a terrible mate and father. His last feelings were of failure and remorse. This powerful belief that he had failed had remained in his soul’s energy field and was the reason for his fear of having a family in his current life.
              In the transformational part of the session he met with the woman who had been his mate, and the children they had produced, and they told him they had been very proud of him and that he had been an amazing role model. They reminded him that he was the one, even though he was much smaller than many of the other men in the tribe, who volunteered night after night to stand guard at the entrance of the cave to keep them safe. He had been prepared to fight to the very end to protect them and that’s exactly what he had done. He was amazed when he discovered that the woman was his current girlfriend. She told him that even though their lives had been cut short, in that lifetime, he had passed the test to see how brave he was. It meant that he no longer needed to be tested for that anymore. His contract was completed and he could release it. He was then able to give himself permission to enjoy his role as a husband and father this time round. The children embraced him and thanked him for his love in that life, which he had given freely and completely, and he shed more than a few tears. The message from them all was clear ‘You are worthy, you are more than good enough, we were so proud of you and given the chance we would choose you again and again and again’.
           With the past life issue resolved, he then travelled, via hypnosis, into his future to see what life would be like if he didn’t change things. He saw himself in five years time, alone, stressed, being harassed by yet another long time girlfriend who wanted to get married - and him finding all kinds of reasons why he couldn’t; he was miserable and tired. He then viewed his highest potential future and he saw himself living in a beautiful home, being greeted by his wife and his two young sons, who jumped up at him joyfully and lovingly when he arrived home from work. Once again there were tears in his eyes as he saw how amazing it was to finally open his heart and allow love to come in. He saw that he had nothing to fear except missing out on having this incredible joy in his life.
                His is a story that I think of often as such an example of how powerful this work is because he did marry his girlfriend, they have already had their first child and I have no doubt in my mind whatsoever that they will have another one. So many clients have told me that the things that they saw in their future lives happen almost exactly as they saw them. And you cannot make this stuff up. 
              His story and many others have been woven into the pages of my first book, Healing with Past Life Therapy, which does uses the Wizard of Oz as a Metaphor for the Soul’s journey. It contains real life stories from real life people whose lives really have been transformed.  As a result of delving deeply into the unconscious space within their minds people discover more about who they really are, why they are here and, as a result of this, live up to the highest potential of who they are destined to be. It is my hope that this book, the accompanying CDs, and the second book that I am almost finished writing - which is to be called Inner Freedom - will provide a catalyst for change that will enable people to find a place within themselves of understanding, forgiveness and gratitude; a place where unconditional love is not only possible but the only way to live.

Remember there is magic everywhere. It is not something that is outside you that you have to find or acquire. It is always within you all of the time, wherever you go. Don't miss it. All you have to do is be present and pay attention. Focus on what you have to be grateful for and see just how much more begins to flow into your life. 

So what is it about the technological age that is killing our spirit?

Now that the word is out that I am fifty I can admit that - as someone who grew up in a world where televisions were still black and white, the main form of long distance communication with someone long distance was via a letter (which could sometimes take weeks to arrive) and telephones had cords attaching them to the wall - I do sometimes find myself struggling and feeling uncomfortable with the new ways of doing things.
 
Gone are the simple choices and the ability to take your time over things. Now don’t get me wrong there are some extraordinary things that can be done nowadays that really do make our lives easier. We are able to get any information we need instantly at the press of a button, we are able to promote our business’s and products locally and even globally and we are able to stay in contact with people all over the world in a way that is so much easier and more effective but sometimes I have to admit that there are times when it all feels a bit too much, too fast and way too invasive.
 
I no longer have a television as I find it way too distracting - especially the constant bombardment of adverts - and the fact that there are now unlimited channels which means you could spend half your life (and you know who you are) just meandering through the channels trying to find something to watch. On the positive side it is great that you can find amazing documentaries and that there are programs that can educate or make you laugh…..but there is just so much available and so much of it so banal and mind numbing that it hurts my head. Hence no television in my home for the last five years or so – much to the disbelief of the TV licensing people who still harass me every year and treat me like I am a freak when I insist that I just don’t have, and am not ever intending to get, a set. “But what do you do of an evening without a telly?” I was once asked “Other stuff - that is of interest to me” was my reply.
 
Email communication is the other distraction- how many of you find yourselves reaching for the phone every time it bleeps and then reading through emails that are often work related even when you are not in working hours – and therefore not being paid to do so – and then spend your down time distracted as you unconsciously or consciously think about the action plan or the response to the email.
 
The same can apply to friends and family and lord knows, because as someone living in this technological age I have been forced to try it and I know many others who have done so  – this relates to the dating arena now too.
 
So how many of you feel under pressure to answer those emails or texts or messenger messages right away because you know the sender knows that you will have seen it - because they know that almost no one ever goes anywhere without their phone  - and almost no one these days ever goes longer than a few minutes without checking their screens to see if there are any new notifications; and of course there are the bleeps and the rings and the incessant noises being made. And you know that if you don’t reply immediately you are either going to be seen as rude, uninterested or flaky; rarely ever just busy or fully engaged in an experience of some sort.
 
The pressure to communicate immediately is getting stronger and stronger. The opportunity to take time out to really think about what you want to say and how you want to say it is being reduced. The same goes for the length and quality of the communication. ‘How are you?’ has been reduced to ‘Sup’ and abbreviations like ‘lol’ and ‘xox’ have become the norm.
 
Everything is speeded up and rushed through…..no time to smell the proverbial coffee or the roses any more. Sometimes I just find myself watching people….watching their interactions – or lack thereof – and it makes me feel a little sad, it makes me feel a touch nostalgic. I worry that people imaginations are no longer really being utilized, that the ability to connect face to face is being lost, meaningful conversation dwindling. I wonder where it will end up.
 
I am already dealing with clients who have social phobias, people who are struggling to find relationships, and people who are just struggling to find their place in the word and real connections to others. So many people are trying to find something; anything to make them feel better – be it food or drugs or alcohol or shopping or gambling or sex or they retreat into their phones and scroll through reams and reams of pages of other people’s stuff on Facebook or Instagram or Snapchat or whatever it might be - losing the irony that this is what is keeping them disconnected in the first place and what it causing the discomfort.

I am off to Peru shortly where I will be participating in rituals and ceremonies on mountain tops with Shamans, there will be no access to the internet and probably no phone signal. There is a part of me that is so excited to be free of it all and another part that worries that I might miss something hugely important while I am away......something that might change my life. I know that this is not rational but still I am aware that it is there and I know that it is so for so many people today. It is an addiction- whichever way you look at it and one that really needs to be brought under control. 
 
So if you are finding yourself guilty of an addiction, especially one that is related to your phone and the inability to put the damn thing down you really may need to take stock. You may really need to think about the price that is to be paid for it. The moments lost – never to be relived. The experiences missed – never to be repeated. The irony of this next line is not lost on me for one moment but I am reminded of a post someone put on Facebook the other day. It was a cartoon of St Peter at the Pearly gates greeting a newcomer. As he reviewed the life of young man in front of him he said “You could have had a great life but you missed most of it whilst staring into your phone”.
 
Don’t let that happen to you. Do put the phone away when you are with people – or even when it is just you. Remember to be present in whatever you do. Remember to connect fully with the people around you and give them your time and attention and remember that your phone is just a machine, it doesn’t have the secrets to the universe inside it – it doesn’t have the means to make you happy or fulfilled. The answers to the secrets of life lay within you and the only thing that can make your life great is you - and the choices you make in every moment.

  
I don’t actually know how this has happened but somehow I have reached the grand old age of 50. I had some photographs done as it seemed appropriate to mark the occasion but it still doesn’t seem real. I just don’t feel that age in my head……in fact there is a part of me that still isn’t sure who I am going to be when I grow up. Now that I have got to this point I suspect that I will never feel like a grown up.
 
 I guess not having children contributes to that greatly. I have never been through that rite of passage where suddenly I am solely responsible for someone else - well not officially anyway. As an empath growing up I did feel responsible for everyone and demonstrated that by becoming an unofficial agony aunt. It was exhausting and, I realize now, a pretty thankless role. I did it a school with my friends, I did it at home with my family and then when I started work as a hairdresser in my first job I did it all day with my clients. I got really good at it; I would like to think that I was just listening and providing alternative ways of looking at things…..but if I am honest with myself….my bossy Leo nature did mean that I told people what I thought they needed to do. Things seemed really obvious to me and I was always confused when people didn’t take my advice, even more confused when later they would be resentful towards me; accusing me of being a know it all and having no clue as to what they were really going though. How could I  - they would say - as everything in my life was great. I know now that this was entirely my fault - not theirs – as I made out that all was well in my world; in fact, I had people convinced that my life was idyllic and perfect; except that it wasn’t. it was far from it. But my pride would never let me admit that for a moment and so I soldiered on trying to be what I thought was a good person who was trying to be supportive for everyone around me.
 
It took me years and years of therapy and studying to realize that all I had been doing my whole life was dishonouring people. Instead of listening and trusting that they would be able to work out what needed to happen in their lives I was convinced that they needed me and my wisdom to help them; so no wonder they would get mad at me; I never stopped and just listened, I never let my guard down and stepped out of the role of the fixer I thought I needed to be.
 
Until one day things in my world got really bad. My heart got broken and I just didn’t have the energy or the inclination to do it anymore. My entire world collapsed around me and I ended up living back with my parents; it was about as bad as it could get. I fell into a pit that was really deep and I had no choice but to wallow in it. There were moments when I didn’t care whether I lived or died and there were times when I just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me……but at the same time there was a little voice inside my head that said that I would come through this; there was a part of me that knew I was at a threshold and that things would now have to change; forever.
 
And change they did. I came out of my pit and vowed to let go of the unhealthy patterns I had created in my life. I vowed that I would learn how I could help people properly; officially; without being responsible and without taking on their stuff as if it was mine. I vowed that I would honour people and their choices and that I would find a way to honour me too. It didn’t happen overnight as the road to success is paved with hurdles but somehow I managed to find a way though the mess I had created. I did have to say goodbye to many of the people who had been in my life and that was painful, but necessary – and I got to start all over again in a new way.
 
That was around twenty years ago and I cannot believe the journey that I have been on since and the turnaround that occurred – especially in my working life. I am now convinced that I have one of the best jobs in the world. I get to sit with people who are struggling in some area of their life and help them to find the answers. I get to be a guide for them and I get to share in some really remarkable adventures. That isn’t to say that I have had some rather remarkable adventures of my own, as I have, and I hope to keep exploring and learning, that’s the wonderful thing about life on earth is that the learning never stops - people never cease to amaze me and the journey through life and the journey to real healing follows such a winding and circuitous road; an ever evolving spiral.
 
So I have reached 50 and I find that there are still areas of my life that I need to work on. I am still a work in progress. I still don’t have all the answers…..but what I do have now are some really great questions and some really great tools that I can use to find answers. This year I intend to make sure that I take time to answer some of my deeper life questions……I figure that I am at least halfway through my life now – if not a little more – and that really is a motivating thought. I saw a great quote the other day which said ‘The problem is you think you have time’………and that is so true…..it feels like yesterday I was 18 without a care in the world heading for hedonism in Ibiza, then at 21 I was all caught up in being a funky rock chic, at 30 I was escaping from a marriage and job that was killing me slowly and at 40 I was just starting to find my feet; I was just starting to become the person I needed to be.
 
At 50 I would like to think that I am older and wiser, I am definitely older, and like to think that I am wiser now. As I move forward into this next phase of my life I know that one of the things I have to deal with is learning to love myself more and to learn what it is to be vulnerable; and that is the hardest thing of all. Bring on hot coals, broken glass, mountains to climb and rivers to cross and I would face them all with great gusto and bravado…….but ask me to bare my soul, to open my heart, to admit to the world that I have needs that need to be met…….oooohweeee…..now that’s a challenge. But I will face it bravely now. I am committed to the path of the warrior and all warriors must face their greatest fears.
 
I have no idea where the journey will take me but as long as I keep moving forward and as long as the universe continues to support me and as long as I am still here I will keep working; keep evolving; keep growing. Knowing that there is a bigger picture to all this and that there is a reason why I face my challenges is what keeps me sane, knowing that on some level my soul chose it all is what keeps me strong and knowing that at some point I get to go home and laugh about it all is what keeps me from going crazy. I already know that someday I will be sat reviewing this life and I just hope that I am not too hard on myself; I hope that I get to complete my mission this time and that once I get back there will be a bit of time for me to recuperate and rest……..cos there sure hasn’t been a lot of that happening here in this life.
 
So wherever you are on your journey and whatever challenges you are facing, please know that there is a point to it. That at some level you did choose it; at some level the people in your life agreed to do this with you and that you are just undergoing a test – and that once you get it – whatever it is - you can move on. I invite you to start asking yourself some of the deeper life questions. I invite you to wonder why you are here and why you are going through what you are going through. It may be that you are just here to help and support another or it may be that you are meant to let others help you. But whatever you do - do it with an open heart, do it with love. The only thing I know for sure, having been here for all these years, is that everything we do involves choice. Everything can be done from a place of love or a place of fear. And it changes everything.
 
So what will you choose; I hope you choose love; but if you choose the other way remember that it is all only temporary and that once you get home; to your real home; it will all be good; it will all be love; because love is everything ………and everything is love.

​Omni amor est – love is all. 

Pictures by Telen Rodwell

Sometimes life really does appear to be a struggle, a hard slog – sometimes the journey seems like an uphill struggle…..and then there are other times when it just seems to flow, as if everything just unfolds like magic. The right people turn up, the information you need arrives just when you need it…..the money you need arrives….correct to the last penny…you talk about someone you haven’t seen for a long time and they appear…..you have a conversation with a friend and then decide to watch a random movie….it turns about to be a film based on the things you were just talking about - when there was no reference to it in the title or the description….you then decide to watch a comedy for light relief and it turns out to be about the exact same topic……..then you get an email from someone you haven’t heard from in years and they want to know if you are up for joining a debate….about the same topic….

Try as I might to be blasé about these kinds of things; it does still blow my mind. Now, you may or may not be wondering what the topic was, and why is it so unusual for it to appear in a variety of areas in my life; surely the theme of love and loss is everywhere….the hero’s journey has us all on a quest of some sort as we go about our lives ….but no…it is not that simple…the topic we were discussing was the idea of shifting ‘consciousness’ from one ‘vehicle’(ie. the body) to another.

Now I am as certain, as I can ever be, that when we die our consciousness leaves the body, it travels back to the spirit realms, reviews, refuels, re chooses a new mission – a new body and a new family – and then it comes back (to the earth plane or beyond).

But this is not what we were talking about, or witnessing, or being asked to discuss….this topic was based on people being able to ‘upload’, in some way, their consciousness into another form, either a new body or to a computer…..

Some say this could make us immortal – that we could live forever. Although I wonder why anyone would want to continue their life forever; I think that a change of mission and environment once every 90 to 100 years or so is a very good idea. But there are some that dispute this idea and they are looking at ways to either alter the human body in some way so that it becomes invincible or just swapping body parts or indeed the whole body – upgrading to a newer model - when the old one runs out.

Personally I think it will be a relief when I get to leave this life and this body behind – don’t get me wrong – its not that I don’t love it and that I am not grateful for everything it does for me, and the amazing life I am having, but I know that my soul is the only part of me that is immortal and that is the way I would like it to stay.

Even the most comfortable pair of shoes gets tired and a little worn after years of wear and when they have served their time you let them go and you move on – you don’t keep adding bits or trying to keep them going – and I feel the same way about our bodies and our lives. The body is just a temporary vehicle that need to be honoured and respected and released when the time comes and our lives do have a purpose, there will be something we need to accomplish, but once that has been done we do not have to stick around – we get to go home to our rightful place in the spirit realms.

I believe that the only thing that is preset – predestined - before we arrive is the time we die. How it happens is another matter – but when your time is up – your time is up – the soul gets to take flight and goes home.

And if, and when, the soul is ready to have another go at life there will be another body – another vehicle awaiting. Now it is true that the amnesia that happens when we swap bodies, meaning that we have to remember everything all over again, is a bit annoying but it just makes the challenge to remember who we really are all the more interesting; if we knew it all and had all the answers when we got here it would be no fun.

It is a very interesting topic and I don’t know for sure why it is suddenly in my radar but I will keep my eyes and ears open and I am sure that the answers will come. I wonder how you feel about it…..would you want to live forever?

I recently returned from a month long trip to the USA. I had always dreamed of one day cruising up the Pacific highway, and as often happens with the things that I dream of, this dream just came true. It was an incredible adventure where I got to meet some amazing people and have some really extraordinary experiences.  A few of which I will share with you here.

The journey began in LA- where I started work on a documentary about Diabetes- from there I headed up to Santa Barbara for a radio interview- then on to San Jose and San Francisco.- where I had some very interesting meetings. 

From there I headed up to Mount Shasta  which I originally thought was just a few hours away. I soon discovered that it was an eight hour drive. I did wonder whether to cancel the trip as I had to be back in LA a few days later so I asked the universe to give me a sign, as I am wont to do. 
I really should be careful what I ask for as a few minutes later I got my sign. I was pulled over by the police- he needed to tell me that there were sightings of bears on the road ahead .......and sightings of lions too.
'Lions and bears,oh My' I thought and chuckled to myself. It was a line straight out of the Wizard of OZ and one that I use in my book. I knew then that  I was on the right track .

I arrived at the time of a full moon and the sight of the mountain being bathed in the light of the full moon was breathtaking. I knew then the real meaning of the word majestic.
The following morning I sat meditating at the base of the mountain and I experienced a very profound vision. In the vision I was shown a process that was a missing piece of my work- it was another piece of the jigsaw puzzle that had been coming together over the last few years.
Included in the vision was another reference to Dorothy and the story of Oz. I was shown that it was crucial in the process of healing for us to honour all parts of ourselves- both the wounded and the creative- the dark and the light- the joy and the sadness.
My creative part was shown as Dorothy- a part of me that was able to travel to other realms and see things through different eyes. I realised that in my healing journeys I had been focusing on healing the wounded part of me and had neglected my creativity- I needed to bring all parts together. In the vision this happened and I experienced a real feeling of wholeness for the first time in a long time.
Once I had finished with my meditation I headed back down the mountain- I looked down and saw that someone had created a heart out of stones - it felt like a gift.
A voice in my head  said 'You must bring some stones back with you. You will know them when you see them.'
I was curious...the path was rough and in many areas was covered in snow. How would I know which were my stones.
I walked slowly really paying attention to what was below my feel and then I saw them, Two stones side by side. One was dark and angular and the other was paler, smoother and almost perfectly round.
Just as I bent down to pick them up I heard a strange sound. 
I looked up and coming down the mountain and heading straight for me was a 30 foot twister. It was throwing dirt and snow into the air and I had no idea what to do. I though about running to get away from it but something held me in my spot. I am not prone to going into fear and I reckoned that this was some kind of test. I had been led to this spot with the stones so I figured it was the best place to be.
I held my ground and this twister came within feet of where I was standing. I swirled around in front of me for a few moments and then- just as suddenly as it had appeared- it disappeared into the trees.
My first thought was to say thank you to the mountain- it felt like a real honour- then  my logical mind kicked in and I said 'Lorraine, do not be ridiculous- this is clearly something that happens up here all the time because the energy is so high.' There was not a soul to be seen so I had no one to ask.
I had arranged to meet someone who lived in the area and over a cup of tea I mentioned to her what had happened. She laughed and said that in all the many years that she had lived there she had never heard of such a thing. Dust devils would appear in the plains...but on a snow covered mountain.....unheard of.
So was I being welcomed by the spirit of the mountain.....I have no idea. I will let you decide.

Just discovered that I have been nominated as a 'Best Of' on Beyond 50 Radio. Daniel Davis was a delight and we covered many topics on his show- all based on the Inner Freedom work that I do. On the show I gave several examples of the experiences that my clients have had whilst in their sessions and it amazes  me that no matter how many of these sessions I do the stories are always totally unique.

Of course, there are times when people visit the same time periods and the reports that they give of the events of those times always match up...but what they experience on a personal level is so unique and so intrinsically personal to them that it sometimes blows our minds.

So many times my clients come in for Past life sessions with a fear that they must have done something bad in a previous life and whenever I hear those words these days it makes me smile- because I know for sure that when we are experiencing difficulties in out lives we are not being punished. We may be balancing the karmic books- or we may have chosen to experience a particular challenge so that our soul can grow- we evolve much faster when we overcome the big challenges....

I like to point out to my clients that it is only the souls who were brave enough, and strong enough, that signed up for the big challenges--- and once they have learnt to overcome them ---they are in a powerful position because they can become a guide for others who walk the same path.

It is hard to think that we might have deliberately chosen to endure suffering- many ask me why they would do that- and I say that it is the fastest way to expand consciousness and the best way to test the ability to love unconditionally- which I believe is why we are here.

It is easy to love those that are good and kind- it is easy to love those who are beautiful on the outside or who are kind and gentle and do good deeds- making them more beautiful on the inside. It is much harder to love the souls who are angry and violent- who do harm and who display little of kindness and compassion; but we are all one. We come from the same source and so by judging another we are only judging a part of ourselves.

When we understand fully that everyone here has a role to play and a mission to accomplish- and when we see that our soul has to experience all versions of possibilities to evolve- we see that there is no right or wrong- no good or bad- it just is what it is.

When we see that we chose- as did all the souls here on earth- the challenges, the adversities, and the lessons we wanted to learn ...we can see that if we needed to experience suffering then someone had to volunteer to play that part- and that someone is often someone from our own soul group- because they want to make sure the job is done well and done properly- that way we don't have to come back and go through that same lesson again.

So, just bear that in mind the next time someone does something that you perceive as being hurtful towards you. Instead of asking 'Why have you done this to me?'....ask 'Why did I choose to experience this? What can I learn?'

You can then move the energy from victim-hood to gratitude.....and the more we focus on gratitude the more comes into our life ot be grateful for.

When we become free of blame, guilt and judgement-   we step into our own personal power and then we make space
 to allow the real essence of unconditional love into our lives. That is what I call Inner Freedom.

One of my clients had a past life where she was killed with a spear. The  past life was pretty dramatic  but everything made sense in the end and she was able to achieve forgiveness for the man who killed her and was able to forgive herself for her own wrongdoings. 

A few days later she emailed me to tell me that she had had a revelation, it turned out that a birth mark on her back- which happened to be in the exact same place where the spear went in -was indeed shaped like the head of a spear. she hadn't ever paid that much attention to it before but she was now convinced that this was a sign of her previous life and death.